


only in your arms (i can breathe)

by andthencoffee (yawawoo)



Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Universe-typical Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23492941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yawawoo/pseuds/andthencoffee
Summary: "Xuxi, breathe. Remember what Johnny says. Breathe, Xuxi. We'll be home in no time."Xuxi leaned his head back as far as he could on the hard seat of the ship, counting down the seconds, and replayed that voice again and again and again:deep breaths, Xuxi. Good job.
Relationships: Suh Youngho | Johnny/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 74





	only in your arms (i can breathe)

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to the coolest senpai [Blanquette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blanquette/pseuds/Blanquette) for looking this over!! You're the best!!╰(＾3＾)╯
> 
> Please tread lightly if characters having trouble breathing bothers you. ♡

Xuxi swallowed. Again and again and again, trying to chase down the bile rising in the back of his throat, slimy and thick. He tried to keep his eyes trained on the ceiling of the ship, tried to look at anything but Yang Yang in front of him, uncharacteristically silent. Avoided looking down at himself, the state of his uniform, his bare feet and singed calf lathered with cooling-gel that didn't cover the way his skin had almost melted off. 

Xuxi remembered someone telling him tricks to calm down— _close your eyes and breathe, Xuxi. Inhale, yes, deep breaths. Exhale slowly. Good job—_ but as soon as Xuxi closed his eyes all he could see was ship engines shutting down and he and his team freefalling into unbreached territory. 

All he saw was the oppressive darkness of a sunless planet, of creatures that bubbled up from flowing crimson lava pools. That took hold of his leg, almost swallowing him down, but Hendery was there, unflinchingly charging forward, slashing with his sword, so keen on saving Xuxi he didn't even see another pitch black appendage coming for his head. His helmet had cracked—Xuxi could still hear the sound—

A hand slapped his restless leg, squeezing so hard Xuxi could feel his muscles grinding against his femur. Ten was beside him, all buckled up, and there was a gash from his temple to his nape, clean but puffy. Xuxi stared at his perfect side profile, took in the frown on his face, how his other hand was cupping a half-burned patch.

Xuxi knew it spelled KUN, but the first letter was missing, and there were only two left. He hoped that meant Kun had two more chances, two more lives. Like that pre-union film _Jumanji_. He found the strength to uncurl one of his fists to grip Ten's hand on his thigh. Ten turned his hand palm up so that they could hold hands properly.

The contact helped. The chaos in Xuxi's head calmed down enough for him to notice the whir of the Healer's engine, speeding in the wormhole. The holo-screen above the ship's exit announced: _15 MINUTES ETA TO BASE 127._ Xuxi hoped the ship wouldn't stop being noisy until they had landed. Xuxi couldn't breathe when he thought about dying engines—stranded, stuck, unable to go _home_ —

"Xuxi, breathe. Remember what Johnny says. Breathe, Xuxi. We'll be home in no time," said Ten, whose eyes were still trained, unmoving, on the door to the treatment room. Just two healing pods inside, and Sicheng was strapped down beside Yang Yang despite his broken leg.

Xuxi tried to breathe. In and out, deep inhales and long exhales. The ship initiated one last jump to exit the wormhole, and they were jostled to the right, Xuxi's head hitting Ten's shoulder. _5 MINUTES ETA TO BASE 127._

Xuxi leaned his head back as far as he could on the hard seat of the ship, counting down the seconds, and replayed that voice again and again and again: _deep breaths, Xuxi. Good job._

– – – – –

  
  


Five minutes felt like hours that were only broken by the systems announcing their arrival. The perpetual monotone of their AI was a melodic but grating lilt, in dissonance with Xuxi’s noisy head.

A rushed landing jostled them in their seats. Xuxi opened his eyes to see the healing pods Kun and Hendery were in being transported outside in a rush, Doyoung and Jungwoo following close behind and immediately exchanging their stats to a waiting Taeyong by the ship's exit. 

Xiaojun burst out from the cockpit and immediately joined Ten who was already trailing behind the doctors. Some younger med staff tended to Sicheng first after asking if they were okay, then Yang Yang was pulling Xuxi up and steadying him when Xuxi's singed leg ached and made him stumble.

Familiar faces greeted them once they crossed the hangar into the main building, and Xuxi was aware of the various levels of concern on their faces. Donghyuck and Mark were still in their uniforms, hair mussed like they just took off their helmets. They ran to them, separating Yang Yang and Xuxi to hug them each, and Xuxi found a semblance of order in Mark's embrace.

"I'm so glad you're okay," the pilot said, and Xuxi almost broke down right there, if not for the echoing heavy footsteps of someone running urgently down the halls distracting him.

Slowing to a stop at the end of a hallway that led to the labs was Johnny, only slightly out of breath, a black strand of hair falling into his face. His wide eyes zeroed in on Xuxi.

Mark let him go just in time for Johnny to take his place—a fierce hug, one where Xuxi could finally hide in, burying his face in Johnny's neck. Johnny's arms around him were strong, _safe_ , and Xuxi could feel himself start to shake, so he clung harder.

"Hyung," Xuxi's tiny voice cracked, lost in the high collar of Johnny's turtleneck.

"Shh, you're okay, Xuxi. Hyuck, Mark, you got Yang Yang, yeah? Come on—let's patch you up, okay, Xuxi? Can you walk?"

Xuxi could feel someone squeeze his bicep—Mark, comforting him—and tried to find his voice again. But it was hard when he was focusing on his exhales. Johnny's fingers carded through his hair, over and over again.

"It's alright. Take your time. Breathe, Xuxi, you're alright," Johnny said in his ear, a low rumble Xuxi could hear and feel thrumming through his body, a sensation he could focus on. "We'll just go to my room, okay Xuxi? The lift is just over there."

Xuxi managed to nod and slackened his arms around Johnny. When he opened his eyes, he could see Johnny's broad chest, his lab coat, the patch of his name above his heart. Xuxi could see Johnny's hands coming up to cup Xuxi's face and encourage him to look up. 

Johnny was close enough that Xuxi could see the black flecks in his honey brown irises, the little imperfections on his skin. Xuxi could see the light stubble that was starting to grow on his chin. Xuxi could feel Johnny's breath on his face and he tried to match it. Xuxi could _feel._

Wordlessly, Johnny took his hand and led him to the elevator to the residential floors. Xuxi immediately sought Johnny's neck again and clung to his side in the privacy of the small space. Johnny placed a soft kiss on his forehead just before they arrived at Johnny's floor. The hallways were empty as it was still working hours.

Everything about Johnny's room was familiar: the smell of coffee that had permeated the metal walls of the space, the clutter of books, the soft colors of the pile of pillows on his bed. Xuxi was gently led to sit down there, and he felt safe enough there that it almost didn't matter when Johnny didn't immediately settle beside him. Xuxi watched the older man open a compartment for his familiar box of medical supplies and lifted a chair to sit in front of him.

"How about a shower? I'll wrap it up so that it doesn't get wet," Johnny suggested, motioning at Xuxi's wound.

"Okay hyung," Xuxi said, letting Johnny rest his ankle on his knee.

"Are you hungry?" Johnny asked him as he carefully rolled the white bandage around Xuxi's calf.

"I… I don’t know if I can eat,” Xuxi admitted, looking down and fiddling with the bunched fabric of his pants, still at a loss of what to do.

“I’ll get you something light just in case, alright? Is the bandage too tight?”

“No, hyung. It’s perfect. Thank you.”

“It’s no problem at all, Xuxi,” said Johnny, a smile in his voice as he rubbed a warm hand around Xuxi’s ankle, slowly setting his leg down.

The mattress dipped as Johnny sat down beside him, their thighs touching and making Xuxi tilt towards the older man. Johnny gently took his hand. They just sat there for a while, Xuxi trying to sort out his thoughts, trying to clear the fog that made him feel disconnected from everything, but also one that was preventing him from remembering things he shouldn’t right now.

“I’m sorry,” Xuxi said, head low, eyes following the repeated motion of Johnny’s thumb on the back of his hand. But then Johnny’s other hand was lifting his chin, and Xuxi breathed easier when he saw Johnny’s smile.

“It’s okay, nothing to be sorry about.” Johnny pushed Xuxi’s brown locks out of his face. Xuxi was aware of how sticky his scalp felt, his whole body too. “I still have your towel and your t-shirts here.”

Xuxi nodded. “Sorry I got your sheets dirty,” he said, eyeing Johnny’s every move. Xuxi took Johnny’s offered hand and stood up slowly. They crossed the short distance to Johnny’s bathroom hand in hand.

“I don’t even remember when I last changed it,” Johnny said with wide eyes and a teasing smile. “I mean, there’s no point in coming up here when you’re not around.”

It took Xuxi a while to understand what he was actually saying. “I was gone that long, huh?” Xuxi said, feeling bashful, and he could feel a smile stretching on his face. The bare tiles of the bathroom were cold under his feet.

“Yeah. So hurry up and shower so that I have a reason to put on some fresh sheets,” Johnny said, kissing Xuxi’s cheek and waving a little as the bathroom door slid close. Xuxi smiled to himself, spreading his palm on the door, chasing for Johnny's warmth.

Even though he was once again left alone with his thoughts, this time Xuxi functioned better with a goal in mind. Shower, for now. Johnny would help him figure out what was next.

It was one of those medium-length showers Xuxi took after particularly grimy missions; there was no such thing as a long shower when a starbase was off-planet and water was a precious resource, no matter how advanced their recycling soil tunnels were. Xuxi scrubbed as hard, thoroughly, and quickly as he could, although having to keep his injured leg up on the toilet lid was a challenge. A good challenge, though, one he could focus on.

Xuxi procured his towel from a cupboard and wrapped it around his hips once he was done drying his body. His hair was still dripping, but Johnny kept his hair-dryer device in a drawer of his desk. He exited the bathroom just in time to see Johnny pull out a tray of what smelled wonderfully like chicken soup from the food box by the door.

The older man smiled at him through the steam, presenting the meal. There was a small bowl of rice, too. "Let's dry your hair real quick while waiting for this to cool a bit?"

"Yeah, okay," Xuxi agreed easily, surprised that he could actually feel his hunger starting to claw up his throat. He sat in Johnny's chair by the desk, eyeing the meal set in front of him.

Sometimes Xuxi found solace in certain types of noises—the whirr of propellants in the lower docks, the hubbub of the lunch room below, the ring of metal saws in the hangar—and the noise of Johnny's vintage hair-dryer was one of them. It was an oddly calming sensation to have hot, dry air on his scalp, the machine's rumble close to his ear, surrounding him. The best part, however, had always been Johnny's big, gentle fingers sifting through the strands of his hair.

It was a familiar routine. Maybe more like a tradition for when they finally had time to be together, when Xuxi had downtime from the explorations and Johnny from the science division. Johnny had always been so gentle with him, even back when their interactions were limited to the time Xuxi came up for check-ups and consultation.

Perhaps they were unprofessional. After all, Xuxi was still Johnny's patient. Johnny had all his stats and an extensive report on Xuxi's mental health. He treated and helped Xuxi with his anxiety and panic attacks, knew all the right words to say and things to do to pull Xuxi out of the black hole in his head.

But Johnny, despite being older, despite having all this influence on Xuxi, had never once abused his role, or manipulate Xuxi's trust and dependence on him. And even though the captain of the ship had never publicly approved of their relationship, she hadn't tried to stop it either. Crews understood what life away from homeplanets felt like, and everyone had their own ways to try and hold on to what made them human.

For Xuxi, what made him remember that _he_ was human, that there was going to be at least one person who would miss him if (when?) he died out there, was Johnny. Johnny and his broad shoulders and strong arms and soft lips and the way he looked at Xuxi. Johnny and his ability to convince Xuxi that there was someplace safe out in space.

Lost in thought, Xuxi chewed slowly on his rice and the diced chicken in his soup. He found that the hurricane in his head was finally settling down. It felt like he was finally, really _there_. Johnny was there, too. Humming in the shower, always making sure that Xuxi knew he was nearby.

  
  
  


As per tradition, once Xuxi was ready, they settled on Johnny's bed with fresh sheets, wrapped in the comforter and each other's arms. Their bodies almost matched in length, but Johnny had just a few extra inches on Xuxi that allowed his lips to rest under Xuxi's eye.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Johnny's inquiry was soft, unobtrusive. His hand was around Xuxi's waist, _safe_.

"So many of them got hurt," Xuxi began, because that was what haunted him the most. "We didn't know that the planet's creatures were able to interfere with our machines and tech."

Xuxi recounted the mission. It was supposed to be a harmless survey in nearby systems, only a jump away from base. They had set out in a small formation; Mark and Donghyuck leading and defending, Doyoung and Jungwoo in the Healer, while Xuxi and the V team were tasked to make planetfall and collect samples.

Their Explorer went through the atmosphere of the ominous-looking, sunless planet just fine. Oxygen levels were just a bit low on ground. _I had a bad feeling. I should've bugged Kun to make us retreat._ But soon after, their systems had started malfunctioning, and they were falling, falling, falli—

"Xuxi, breathe," Johnny's voice cut through the fog. He was real and solid and Xuxi held on to that.

"It was dark. So dark. The only source of light was the burning lava tunnels under us. It was a dark burnt red, almost black. We could see it move and flow under this… cracked crystal in the ground. Our ship didn't even smoke or explode, it was like something sucked the energy out of it, leaving it an empty shell…"

They had to open their door manually, Sicheng navigating in the dark and finding latches with touch. Everyone stepped out, armed with their own weapons, stunners useless but still holstered on their thighs. Kun had the comms tablet, still trying to get it to work and notify their group. They walked in their usual formation: Xuxi with his spear at the helm, others spread out in the flanks and back.

They barely walked twenty steps away from their ship when they were attacked. Kun had been distracted—Xuxi didn't see but heard the way he was flung and crashed into the side of their ship, his limp body smoking a bit at the chest. The formation broke and Ten and Sicheng went to protect him.

"It was so dark and the lava pools were _alive._ There were these long limbs bubbling up and reaching for us. Reaching for me, and I didn't even realize because I froze, hyung. I froze and Hendery saved me but his helmet cracked—"

Xuxi didn't even realize he was crying until Johnny wiped his tears away. He let out a pathetic sob, and Johnny's gentle touch just broke the last of his defenses. Johnny shifted so that he could hold Xuxi against his chest, so that Xuxi could bury his face there.

Maybe it took a few seconds, maybe half an hour, but Xuxi eventually calmed down. Johnny's fingers in his hair didn't stop, ceaselessly providing him with a calming rhythm of touch. Xuxi swallowed, and tried to find his words again.

"Should we rest now, Xuxi?" Johnny whispered after a while. Xuxi shook his head.

"I want to tell you. I need you to know," Xuxi said, voice cracking and muffled.

"Are you sure?"

Xuxi took a deep breath, and cursed his clogged nose from preventing him to breathe in Johnny's calming scent. He pulled away a bit, and Johnny loosened his hold enough for Xuxi to sit up. 

"It was hard for Mark and Hyuck to pinpoint our crash site to send down the teleporter. Yang Yang was the one to activate it. I was so scared that it wouldn't work, too, but it did. Whatever the creatures were doing didn't mess it up. And so I carried Hendery, then helped Sicheng-hyung because his leg was broken. We didn't know how we survived it. But one of _those things_ reached in just as the portal closed. There was a black smoking limb on the floor of the Healer.

Jungwoo and Doyoung hyung… I didn't know what we would've become if they weren't there. I couldn't—look at Kun or Hendery. I was so afraid to see… their chests not moving. I was so afraid and sorry. I was fucking useless."

"You weren't. You brought them home. You did great, Xuxi," Johnny said. "They'll all be fine. The Healer pods were there. Kun and Hendery will be fine."

"I'm so tired," Xuxi could only say in the end. He felt so drained, so dry and hollow he couldn't even cry anymore. Johnny told him it was fine. He could rest, he was safe. His friends were safe.

"Look, Xuxi, I got an update from Taeyong that Kun and Hendery are stable. All that is left is for them to recover," Johnny told him some time after they'd both laid back down, both still wide awake. Johnny never fell asleep first.

Xuxi almost snatched the small tablet from Johnny's hands, eyes running over the details feverishly like a crazed man. There was a short video feed recording his teammates' stats on their pod panels. Johnny caught the tablet just in time before it landed on Xuxi's face when his fingers slackened. Relief courseds through his whole body, and Xuxi could feel his throat burn.

"Thank goodness. I'm glad. I'm so happy they're okay."

Johnny kissed his temple. "Alright. You can sleep now, Xuxi. Maybe they'd already be awake when you wake up."

"Okay. Okay, Johnny-hyung."

  
  


Xuxi was almost asleep, his eyes dropping, when a thought occurred to him. "Hyung… when my luck finally runs out… and I disappoint everyone, would you still… be there and help me breathe? So that I can repent and say sorry?"

In the dimness of the room, Johnny held him tighter. "Of course, Xuxi. The sound of every breath you take is the most important thing to me."

And Xuxi fell into a dreamless sleep, feeling safe, and breathing.

_Breathe, Xuxi. You're okay._

**Author's Note:**

> You can tell this is yet another very indulgent piece. Idk one night the first scene just popped up in my head and I had to write it!!!! And then it became my two big boys cuddling ;__;
> 
> Again, shout out to my Twitter besties who looked this over for me and provided emotional support!!
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading!!  
> ( ˘ ³˘)♥  
> Hope everyone is safe and healthy! Don't forget to wash your hands and clean your gadgets🌻
> 
> (P.S. Kun and Hendery are fine, guys! :3c)


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